E04凯西（Cass）被男朋友的模糊不明的态度气到了，和Mandy去嗑药买醉放纵，她们约定好，要做最bad bitch的自己，不再去在意别人的目光和评价。她邀请XX男（不知道名字）一起去玩旋转木马，性暗示再明显不过了。Cass似乎把抓杆当做了钢管舞，搔首弄姿，肆意对刚刚上钩的猎物铺洒她的性感。她与对方接吻，加上公共场所的刺激+“出轨”报复的快感+毒品加强感官冲击的三重作用下，开始在大庭广众下用旋转木马自慰，直到高潮。观众跟随她的情绪攀至巅峰，然后又跌回现实：她在这个虚假自私的小镇的游乐场里做了不能被社会认可的事情，周围全是虎视眈眈的围观群众，而她深知，人言可畏。刚刚发生的行为很可能会毁了她。

但是谁能说TA不曾想象过呢？谁没有想在公交车、地铁站做点出格的事情过？而清醒而理智的我们，自然是知道，那样做的后果。

这就是为什么这一幕戏是极其有冲击力的，它把我们的恐惧拍出来，那么真实，又性感。

愿者上钩

她和Mandy约好，要做最自信的自己

然后他们接吻，很明显，在毒品和感情受伤还要努力让自己don't give a fuck的情况下，她被turn on了。

这欲仙欲死的脸

她肆意在旋转木马的马鞍和抓杆上摩擦自己的性器官获得快感

接近高潮

爽过了以后环顾四周

这时候旋转木马似乎慢下来了，她从云端跌回了现实，发现周围所有人都在看戏。

不敢置信的一波男性

不怀好意的女性

津津有味的男性，还有他狐疑愠怒的妻子

放肆嘲笑的群众

沉默

很喜欢这部剧里的女性群像，每个女孩子都是独立的个体，她们的内心既强大又柔软脆弱。这之中体现的女性主义是独特且深刻的。

CASSIE：她真的太温柔太善良了。交过很多个男朋友，但她都是全心全意地没有保留地爱着他们的，就像她包容Mckay的懦弱逃避没有责任心一样。在得知自己怀孕以后，她不是像大部分女孩子那样惊慌失措，而是幻象男友会同意自己把孩子生下来，做一个好妈妈。她有一个不负责任的爸爸和无数个不负责任的男友，可是她是一个负责任的女孩。可惜渣男们是不会懂得她的，被无数任渣男们偷拍和明着拍性视频，还被上传到网上。她看着视频哭，有一瞬间觉得世界都灰暗了，可是她还是坚强地走了出来。她安慰自己说，这是每个女孩子都会经历的，以此来忽视男生对她的荡妇羞辱。她依然自信开朗，穿性感的衣服展示自己的完美身材，依然勇敢地去爱和被爱。但那些伤痛其实一直都在，她只是让自己不去想而已。

她躺在医院的手术台上做人流的时候，脑子里想的是她小时候成为一个滑冰运动员的梦想，那个被她爸爸最后扼杀的梦想。男人们说喜欢她，喜欢的都只是她的脸和身材，从来没有人问过她的心里到底在想什么，也没有人愿意听。而她却相当长的一段时间里也真的没有再表达自己，呈现出来的是一个头脑简单、无趣愚笨，只有外表好看的女孩。可是她不是。最后一集里，她决定要至少三年不交男友了。保持单身，大概会让她倾听自己的声音，不再是一味给予爱的角色，而是学会更加爱自己，追求自己的梦想。

MADDY：她表现出来的样子自信又强势。被nate打了很多次，但她并不会因此对nate唯唯诺诺，该怼该呛的时候还是精准毒舌。她也很聪明，会在nate面前装作娇小依人，在性交中装作享受他的性能力，其实这都只不过是为了利用nate男人的自尊心，来得到自己想要的礼物。而且，她从来不会被nate的花言巧语骗过一点点。但她却无法不爱nate。“最让人痛苦的是，即使自己被这样残暴地对待，却还是爱他”。

cassie和maddy其实都是那种因为长得很漂亮又开朗，所以很受人欢迎的女生。但或许也因此，她们受男权的压迫也深。因为她们是成长在被男人夸赞中长大的，仿佛自己的价值就是被男人喜欢和喜欢男人，从而逐渐迷失了自己。不知道第二季maddy能不能脱离nate的迫害。（不过我感觉maddy和nate感情上的复杂远超于此，那种吵起架来你死我活，和好速度却飞快并且立马进入另一个甜蜜的高峰期的关系，我不太能理解）

KATE：是把胖女孩的自信与自卑融合在一起的人。因为胖，在现实生活中被人无视甚至是鄙视，她选择在网上成为女王，从同人文大大到porn queen。也因为美国不能body shame的政治正确，让她有了可以保护自己的手段。甚至之后她不再害怕展现自己的肉，大码女孩也可以穿低胸短裙和性感短裤，自信起来就是最美的！

同时，她在破处之后频繁与男性性交，但与jules为了受虐而性交不同，她乐于看到男性在自己良好的性能力下达到高潮的丑态。即她并没有达到高潮，而是以极为冷静的态度审视高潮中的男性难以自持的丑态。这也像是对男权的一种反抗，因为她的身材在生活中是被男性审视和鄙视的对象，而在性交中，男性幻象的男女关系的理想状态是注视的男人与被注视的女人、支配快乐的男人与被快乐支配的女人，而KATE在实践中将此反了过来。

不过对身材的自卑还是无法轻易跨过的坎，她用刻薄和轻佻来保护自己，她无法相信会有一个男生真的爱自己。但被maddy骂了之后，最后她还是勇敢地向小奶狗表白了，这一对真的太美好了～～～

JULES：是一个能够勇敢特立独行的女孩，trans的身份和喜欢日本动漫的爱好，无疑是美国青少年里非主流中的非主流。小时候因为性别认知是女生被妈妈骗到精神病院里关着，长大后还是能选择成为一个美丽的女孩，真的很勇敢。但是她的自残倾向从那时起到现在似乎一直存在。在精神病院里是用易拉罐割血管，长大后是通过随意的性关系受虐。或许正是因为习惯于随意的不健康的不用负责任的性关系，所以无法认真地对待rue真诚的爱，无法开始一段稳定和坚固的恋爱关系。

还有一个很特别的点是jules对女性气质的追求。为了让自己成为一个彻底的完全的女人，jules说自己是在渐进的不断努力的上一个档次的。她也把和男人发生性关系当作了拥有女性气质的关键一环，或许可以理解为通过被插入和成为性的客体，从而被女性化。这其实也是男权社会下的潜意识，之后anna也有告诉jules，不必靠男性来体现自己的女性化。同时，这种潜意识让她没有想过自己会喜欢女生，以至于也无法马上接受rue的爱。

RUE：rue和lexi是我认为剧里最酷的两个女孩子，她们是最能抛开社会的束缚和制约的人，是最多地思考自己的人，尤其是lexi。rue因为天生的心理问题，所以从小都是无法与自己和解的状态。再加上爸爸的离世，更加给了她很大的打击。rue对毒品的依赖，之后转为对jules的依赖，都是无法与自己独处的表现。rue一独处就躁郁症和抑郁症发作，她最需要学会的是独立地解决自己的心理问题。

LEXI：我专门写过一篇剧评了，这里就不多说了～(￣▽￣～)~

我爱REXI(⑉°з°)-♡纯凭记忆整理，可能有很多错误。

1.LEXI和男朋友进行初吻前，先和RUE练习，问RUE自己技术怎么样。其实LEXI的初吻就是给了RUE的吖（*/∇＼*）

2.在RUE被老师叫到上台发言，但是讲不出话的时候，台下男生说RUE磕药磕傻了。LEXI对那个男生说，你懂不懂礼貌！

3.RUE心情不好跑到厕所吸白粉，LEXI担心她来找她。这场的吵架其实算玻璃渣糖。但LEXI真的很关心很关心RUE啊！

4.游乐园那场RUE觉得自己搞砸了和jules的关系，出来玩是和妹妹和LEXI一起的。不过jules来找RUE，RUE就直接抛下LEXI走了。LEXI望着RUE和jules的背影那里，好心疼。不过其实LEXI一直都没有表现过太激烈的情绪，生气也好，失落也好，都很点到为止。

5.RUE向自己对LEXI发飙道歉，邀请她出来滑冰。

6.第六集，RUE环顾舞会，问“lexi在哪儿”。之后RUE假装认识黑帮大佬威胁欺负妹妹的小老弟，LEXI在一旁帮腔超可爱的。

7.陪RUE中二，变身侦探。此处有壁咚！

从rick and morty第四季summer说的台词传送过来的 看了以后觉得全篇的记忆点全部都在拍摄手法上 剧情无力吐槽 人物除了jules基本没啥看点 （尤其是mckay这条线每次都想快进..）配上节奏ost和炫酷运镜灯光当成大型mv卡点视频（伪）看看害行八..

绝佳的镜头记忆点个人排名

top5 第一集磕了出来旋转楼梯

top4 床上jules和rue旋转运镜转场

top3 嘉年华开始的一段长镜头

top2 舞池jules和黑人女闪啊闪那段

top1 嘉年华找gia的那段 全程大光圈绝美

此外party的灯光青橙和赛博朋克风简直绝美。剧情的话从第二集就想弃了，越到后面越无聊，最后finale坐火车就走了，不知道是什么脑洞有点莫名其妙。

没想到都这把年纪了，欧美青春片的情情爱爱我还是磕得甘之如饴。有可能是因为自己的成长也不算循规蹈矩吧，常常感觉自己都没长大，内心还是青春期的状态，所以这些片基本都能很大程度共情。 关于这个剧，也是拖了很久才开始看，目前第一季快磕完了，感觉它应该就是老美fancy版的皮囊，但是不得不说，十几年过去皮囊还是我心中的经典，我好像会偏爱那种英伦原始场景下的青春叛逆，毕竟更贴近生活也更能产生共鸣，好像荧幕前的看客真的有可能是他们中的一员。而亢奋太过凌乱以及过多裸露镜头多少让我产生不适，我是绝不会有错觉自己会是其一的，而非要说它的经典，可能是眼妆吧:)anyway我也没去过美国，不知道老美高中生上课真的会搞得这么浮夸吗，如果是真的那我真的瑟瑟发抖。 哦对了，有一个设定我原本是接受无能的，就是身为trans的Jules后来跟Rue坠入爱河(没看剧前就在社交网络被剧透知道她们是一对了，当下的我简直瞳孔地震，本来以为自己已经非常open-minded，但还是吓到退后三步，主要是没想到能有一个大热剧的主角会是这样的关系)，结果看到半程我就全盘接受了，有可能是因为Jules太美眼神太纯真，美到我忘了这一切是否合理，美到她各式各样五花八门天马行空的眼妆也很可爱，美到她明明大高个也会觉得小鸟依人想给她打钱，美到作为女生我也被迷得七荤八素，and Rue莫名1得也很合理(我印象中Zendaya就是个精致的花瓶，没想到褪去妆容做叛逆小妹居然合适得不行，她真的算是这个角色不二人选吧，我甚至觉得这是不是她本色出演，毕竟看她的采访也蛮像磕过药的)。总之伴着能让人感觉吸食了精神毒品的BGM，什么都可以，什么都尽管拍吧，我都可以理解!另外，暂时没打算写对其他人物的评价，因为实在还没共情，也许等我把所有都看完了再来更新吧:) 但讲真，如果你是00左右的小孩没看过皮囊，快去看看吧，特别是前四季，再往后可以忽略不计了，那波演员实在喜欢不起来，简直就是来毁经典的，但前几季真的好!看!到!不!行!导致我到现在讲英文都偏英式，想来应该是那会儿被影响至骨髓，剧中的不管是情结、文化、音乐还是氛围我都太身临其境并且深爱至脑残了，而且我保证打扮没有年代感，英国佬好像上下几十年都差不多(just kidding)，and每个人都有自己的可爱之处，每个人也都支离破碎得很让人心痛又同理心爆炸，反正人物刻画鲜活又自然，你会有错觉他们就是有血有肉站在身边的人，更有甚者会在关上屏幕往后很长一段时间(对我来说一两年跑不掉)都掉进片子的情绪中，like会跟着他们的爱恋愉悦，跟着他们逃避生活，有人失去生命亦会绝望悲痛……而这些年，我还是会三不五时翻出来看看，虽然不会再有小时候那种因为当下环境类似而产生的共鸣了，但还是免不了大型感叹，特别是Effy做主角那两季真的会立刻心痛到落泪(可能有点夸张)，感觉小时候的自己就是她(没错，我就是觉自己是一个另类神经病美吕)，

Effy还有皮囊我最爱的两季海报

进而想起一堆往事:年少时玩了七八年乐队，性格拧巴内向自闭，整天顶着烟熏妆泡在哥特音乐中，一天天不干正事就躲在排练房写写歌落落泪，伤春悲秋，推开相爱的人，完全不相信好事会发生，更没办法接受一点点不安全感，宁愿什么都没有也不要给人拿捏自己的机会，那阵子身边都是一起捣鼓音乐的小哥们，记忆中也有喜欢我的，但由于鄙人当时内心过度破烂不堪，谁都不能接近(感情层面)，反而他们总带着我一起深夜酗酒什么的，变成了我放烂路上的垫脚石，到最后整得自己更难受。然后……家庭也不如意，父母关系不融洽又强撑导致我更畏惧这个世界……但有两个片段我一直觉得很温暖并且一直保存在脑海，片段一:出国念书前一天，小伙伴其一的小哥扭扭捏捏拿了把吉他来送我，还唱了首歌，但是是什么歌忘掉了，完了便扭扭捏捏离去;片段二:有个朋友给我弹唱过一首歌，叫wild world，是皮囊的插曲，我没有印象他是否是因为皮囊才学的，还是巧合，但是个很有温度的片段就对了，还有我记忆深刻也是因为有一次独自站在异国他乡的街头，回想起那个弹唱的瞬间，还有歌词，那种无助和孤独感突然从四面八方像围墙一样向我倒过来，真的不哭不是中国人，在这里我决定列几句最刺痛的词: Now that I've lost everything to you You say you wanna start something new And it's breaking my heart you're leaving Baby, I'm grieving But if you wanna leave,take good care Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there Ooh,baby,baby, it's a wild world It`s hard to get by just upon a smile Ooh,baby,baby, it's a wild world I'll always remember you like a child,girl 唉，现在想想，也就这样吧，都过来了，只是那个时期和皮囊的孩子们一起长大而滋生的拧巴怕是这辈子都会伴随左右了。 咦，不好意思!我感觉我好像走错片场，竟然在亢奋的地头让皮囊借尸还魂，还大型回忆过去……失敬失敬……抱歉! 好了!最后!我给亢奋4星，本来想要给3.5星，但看在各式眼妆的面子上再加0.5，不保证后续看完会不会扣分哦！但是我还会来叨逼叨的:)

__________

Frez真的不停让我想起心碎男孩Mac Miller。他真的太单纯太可爱了，连我都想跟他谈恋爱。

曾经的我 幸福满足 I was once happy, content, 徜徉在只属于我的羊水之中 sloshing around in my own private, primordial pool. 结果有一天 由于不可抗拒的因素 Then one day, for reasons beyond my control, 我母亲莱丝丽的子宫 I was repeatedly crushed... 一次又一次对我残忍地施加压力 over and over by the cruel cervix of my mother, Leslie. 我顽强地抵抗了 却终敌不过大自然 I put up a good fight, but I lost, 这是我人生第一次败仗 之后更是节节败退

我厌弃所有人 除了你 I hate everyone else in the world but you.

茱尔丝 你自残吗 And, Jules, do you self-injure? 事实上 茱尔丝讨厌自己 The truth was, Jules hated herself. 她讨厌自己大脑的运作方式 She hated how her brain worked... 她的大脑会因一个想法而卡住 the way it would get stuck on a thought, 从而噎到自己 like choking. 专注于当下 All right. Keep present. 大脑会陷入无尽的循环 And it would just play on an infinite loop, 直到她停止思考 until she couldn't think 无法呼吸 濒临死亡 or breathe or stand to be alive. 克服并非易事 茱尔丝 This is hard, Jules. 你一定可以挺过去 You're going to get through it, okay? 但她不仅讨厌自己的大脑 She didn't just hate her brain, though. 她还讨厌自己的身体 但不是每个部位都讨厌 She hated her body, not every part, 只讨厌肩膀 手臂 just her shoulders, and her arms, 双手 and her hands. 还有胸部 腹部 大腿 Also her chest, her stomach, her thighs. 她最讨厌膝盖了 Her knees were the worst. 还很讨厌脚踝和肥大的双脚 Plus her ankles, and her big, fucking, stupid feet. 她讨厌自己的人生 并非因为过得不好 She hated her life, not because it was bad, 而是因为 痛恨自己的大脑和身体之人 but because when you hate your brain and your body, 很难享受人生

每当她被虐得很惨时... And whenever anything got too uncomfortable... 茱尔丝就假装自己灵魂出窍 Jules would just imagine that she wasn't really herself, 她其实在旁观别人的生活 and this wasn't really her life. 她只是虚构作品中的一个虚构人物 She was just a character in a book or a movie or a show. 一切都是假象 即便是真 又能如何呢 That none of it was real, and if it was, how did it matter? 这具身体本就不属于她 It's not like her body ever really belonged to her in the first place.

我没有特别喜欢的事情 There's nothing I'm really passionate about. 没有非要做或说的事 You know, like, I'm not dying to say or do anything, really. 每次我向大家坦露心迹 And every time I admit that to people, 他们都会觉得这样很可悲 但是... they're like, "Oh, my gosh, that's so sad." But... 我觉得多数人都是如此 I think that's the case for most people. 我妈是如此 You know? Like, when I look at my mom or... 我同学也是如此 like, the kids at my school-- 从他们社交媒体上的动态就能看出来 like, their profiles or their posts and their Tumblr rants... 大家也都过得稀里糊涂 迷茫无助 you realize they're all just fucked up, too... and lost. 只是他们都得掩饰真相... They just have a reason to mask it... 为了不让家人担忧 whether it be, like, their, their families 拴住男友 博取关注 or their boyfriends or their hashtag activism. 他们都只是借助表面的光鲜亮丽 And they're just reaching for something -粉饰人生的虚无 -小茹... - to make it all seem meaningfu

麦迪从小就很了解自己 Maddy knew who she was from a very early age. 从麦迪记事以来 她就是万人迷 For as long as Maddy could remember, everybody loved her.

她不知自己为何受欢迎 She never knew exactly what it was. 她只知道自己很特殊 She just knew that she had something special, 气质迷幻朦胧 something intangible, 魅力无人能及 something immeasurable.

她因此充满自信 And it gave her confidence

她也是因此热爱选美 That's why she loved pageantry, 因为冠军不必容貌倾城 高挑精干 because you didn't have to be the prettiest or the tallest 也不必金发碧眼 肤如凝脂 or the blondest or the whitest. 自信闪耀就够了

You just had to have fucking confidence.嘉年华当晚 和卢克·卡斯滕打炮时 So the night of the carnival, while fucking Luke Kasten, 凯特顿悟了 Kat had an epiphany. 她居然上了卢克·卡斯滕 She was fucking Luke Kasten, 那他妈可是卢克·卡斯滕啊 Luke motherfucking Kasten. 没上过东高的人可能不知道... And for those of you who didn't go to East Highland... 卢克·卡斯滕可是男神 Luke Kasten was a fucking god. 他毕业多年 可学校里依然有他的传说 I mean, he graduated years ago and people still talk about him. 他有我见过最大的鸡鸡 He has the biggest dick I've ever seen, 他上我时 我一直盯着他看 and I was looking at him while he was fucking me. 他射精时 I could see his face scrunching up 我看到他的脸皱成一团 when he was coming all over my stomach, 我突然就顿悟了 and I had this, like, realization, you know, like, this epiphany. 无论这个人有多酷帅性感 That no matter how cool, or, or sexy 不论他在你眼中有多聪明 or, or smart you think a guy is, 其实都卑微渺小得可悲可怜 they're actually just fucking pathetic.

我一直试图减弱自己的存在感 my whole life, all I've tried to do is to take up less space.

企图避开那帮男人 Try to hide from guys, like, who might, like, 因为我经过时 他们会对朋友悄悄吐槽 whisper to their friend under their breath as I walked by. 我这一生 I've spent my whole life 都在担心大家会发现我是个胖妞 afraid people were gonna find out that I was fat. 但说实话 根本没人在意 But honestly, who gives a shit?

无所畏惧的胖女孩所向披靡 There's nothing more powerful than a fat girl who doesn't give a fuck.

高中的情谊转瞬即逝 并非天长地久 Nothing in high school lasts forever. 你该见见她 You should meet her.

Are you kidding me? 你被罚下了 You're out of the game. 冲动就会输球 You get emotional, you lose. 动怒就会输球 You get angry, you lose. -爸 他说我是... -无关紧要 - Dad, he called me-- - I don't give a good goddamn. 你觉得他为什么偏偏说你呢 Why do you think he's talking to you in the first place? -因为他... -因为他想激怒你 - Because he-- - Because he's trying to get a rise out of you. 扰乱你的思绪 让你分心 Trying to make you upset, lose focus. 他在挑战你的底线 这就是生存法则 That's his game. That's the world's game. 他们不断逼你 They want to push on you, 逗弄你 考验你的极限 Poke on you, see exactly how much you can take. 极限会决定你能走多远 And how much you can take is what will ultimately define you. 因为应对之道可以衡量人的品性 Because the measure of a man is in how he reacts. 我该如何应对 How am I supposed to react? 将自己的所有情绪 By taking everything you feel, 挫败感 愤怒 狂暴 all your frustrations, your anger, your rage, 统统收起 you bottle it up, 守住本心 you take your position, 当情绪累积至顶峰 and when that snap comes, 将其化作喷薄而出的动力 you let it explode.

她几乎每次都会心软答应 And she almost always said yes. 尽管她很不情愿 也会照做 Even though it didn't always make her feel good. 她知道 多数男生跟她分手后 And she knew that most guys, after she broke up with them, 都会散播她的性爱视频和裸照

would always share those photos or videos. 她刚发现时 恐慌心悸 The first time she found out, she had a panic attack, 她甚至想吞扑热息痛自杀 and wanted to swallow a whole bottle of Tylenol. 但最终打消了自杀的念头 But she didn't. 因为大家顶多言语上对她讽刺挖苦 Because, I mean, what's the worst thing anybody could say to her? 无非就是嘲笑她给渣男口交而已 That she gave a blowjob to a guy who didn't deserve it? 而且 她觉得等到毕业求职那会儿 And she figured by the time she was out of college and looking for a job, 绝大多数人都有过裸照的黑历史了 99 percent of the population would have leaked nudes, anyway.

一想到要站起来 The thought of having to stand up, 移动35英尺 每走一步要调动172块肌肉 exert 172 muscles each step for 35 feet, 就为了坐在冰凉的陶瓷坐便器上 just so I can sit on cold porcelain 日复一日地排出体内毒素 and piss out toxins over and over again for the rest of my life 我就觉得人生是一个漫长且磨人的玩笑 makes the whole concept of living feel like one long, sadistic joke. 但抑郁最磨人的一点是 But the absolute worst part of depression 你明知自己抑郁了 is that even though you know you're depressed, 却依然无可救药地越陷越深 you're unable to stop yourself from getting worse

抑郁的另一症状就是 The other thing about depression is 让人丧失时间概念 it kind of collapses time. 突然之间 全部记忆混杂交织 Suddenly, you find your whole days blending together 无穷无尽 令人窒息 to create one endless and suffocating loop. 抑郁后 人会试图回想愉悦的瞬间 So you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy. 但大脑会一点点蚕食欣快的回忆 But slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you joy. 最终 And eventually, 脑中仅剩人生中沉闷压抑的记忆 all you can think about is how life has always been this way. 人就会日渐消沉 And will only continue to be this way.

曾经有个心理医生说 我压抑的状态会起起落落 I had a therapist once who said that these states will wax and wane. 我妈因此松了一口气 Which gave my mother relief, 因为就算我犯病了 because it meant that in the bad times, 总也会好起来 there would be good times. 但她也因此焦灼难安 But it also gave her anxiety 因为就算我一时没事 because it meant that in the good times, 总也有抑郁发作的一天 there would be bad times. 我一直很不解 It always confused me, 因为我不懂"起落"的意思 because I didn't really know what it meant. 但听起来比我自己的形容更让人安心 But it did sound a lot calmer than the way I would describe it. 我得继续服药 There you go. How you feel? Okay? 我知道你现在很低落 宝贝 I know you're feeling low right now, baby. 但你没有故态复萌 说明你的症状有所缓解 But the fact that you didn't turn back means you're gettin' better. 没错 It does. 一定是这样 It does. 当然了 我之后才领悟到 Granted, I didn't realize until later "起起落落"的真正含义 what waxing and waning implied. 抑郁无法根除 会反复发作 That these feelings were fixed and constant 我的余生都将与抑郁作伴 and would never end for the rest of my life.

我住院观察了三天 And kept me there for three days. 其实住院可好了 It was actually really nice. 我超喜欢医院 I love hospitals. 要是余生都能在医院度过 我绝对没意见 If I could spend the rest of my life in a hospital, I would. 因为住院时 Because when you're in a hospital, 可以做个米虫 you have zero responsibilities. 医护人员会保证你吃饱睡好 身体棒棒 They make sure you eat, sleep, stay hydrated, 如遇不测 医生总能及时出现 and if anything bad happens, there's always a doctor nearby. 谢谢 Thank you. 发生大规模枪击案时 待在医院最明智了 It's also the best place to be in the event of a mass shooting, 只要外科医生没死光光就行 unless the gunman kills all the surgeons. 关键是 我在医院无忧无虑 The point is, I had zero anxiety.

我昨晚写信时 and as I sat down last night to write it, 忍不住回想你出生那天的场景 I couldn't stop thinking about the day you were born. 我第一次将你抱入臂弯 Holding you in my arms for the first time, 怜爱地看着你 looking down at you, 看着你可爱动人的小脸 your sweet, beautiful face... 我这辈子从未如此充满爱意 欢欣愉悦 I had never felt so much love and joy in my entire life. 于是我想到... And I thought that... 若是那一刻 有人能提醒我该多好 what if in that moment I heard a voice, 通晓万物的人生旁白对我低语 some omniscient narrator who said, "接下来将会如此" "Here's what's going to happen. "你的女儿将会风趣幽默 聪明伶俐 开朗大方" "Your daughter is gonna be funny, and smart, and outgoing, "她的灵气从小便会显现" You'll see it instantly, from a young age." "她将会魅力四射 广交朋友" "She'll be charismatic and make friends easily." "她将会温柔善良 心思细腻" "She'll be kind and sensitive. "细腻到敏感" "Maybe too sensitive. "她不会是个乖乖女" "She won't be an easy child. "她会很叛逆" She'll struggle." "因此 你将很难看懂她" "And in turn, you'll struggle to understand her." "你将跟不上她的思维" "To understand what's going on inside of her head. "无法理解那些难以摆脱的梦魇" "The night terrors that can't be interrupted. "很多时候 晚饭后" "The times after dinner where "她会坐在餐桌旁" "She'll just sit at the kitchen table "一遍遍数着天花板砖的数量and count the tiles over and over, "数到自己上气不接下气" "Until she hyperventilates. "你会用尽全力拥她入怀 安慰她" "To fight to hold her in your arms, to tell her it's okay." "你们将难以平静 她会摔打东西 大吼大叫" "To calm down. The kicking. The screaming. "她会害怕受伤" "The anxiety of being harmed. "她会日夜煎熬" "The transitions from day to night, "从家中到学校 每顿饭皆是如此" "From home to school, from meal to meal. "她会担心失去父母和妹妹" Of losing her mother or father or little sister." "她害怕会孤苦伶仃" - "Of being alone." 我很喜欢她 I really like her. "她会恐慌发作 情绪波动 迷惑不解 精神分裂" "The panic attacks, mood swings, confusion, disorganization "她会愤怒狂躁" "And all that rage. "不仅生你的气 也会恼恨自己" "Not just at you, but at herself. "最煎熬的是..." "And the tough part i "她无法自救 而你也将束手无策" "you'll feel as helpless to help her as she does herself." "你将犯下大大小小的错误" "You'll make mistakes. Small ones and big ones. "你会慌忙求助 病急乱投医" "You'll look for help from people who aren't helpful. "你求助之人或许根本不了解情况" "Or who don't actually understand what's happening." "内疚感将因此伴你终生" "And the guilt will never leave you." "但若你保持镇定 温柔耐心" "But if you remain calm and patient, "若你能仔细聆听" "If you listen closely, "你便能渐渐理解她" "理解她为何重复地数了一遍又一遍" "The counting, the repetition, "理解她对于对称的执着" "the need for symmetry. "若你睡前亲吻了她的左脸" "That if you kiss her left cheek before bed, "一定也要亲吻她的右脸" "You have to kiss her right cheek. "还有额头 下巴" "And her forehead. Then her chin. "因为这样才平衡稳定" "That it's about balance, stability. "这样她才能疏导情绪 捋顺思绪" "The need to organize her feelings and thoughts, so... "这样她才能平静下来" she can breathe easier." "你将得到片刻的喘息" "And there will be moments of relief, "你们俩都能松一口气" "In her and in you. "这些时刻平静安宁 顺心满足" "Moments that feel so normal, and calm, and rewarding that... "你会希望平淡的幸福能够天长地久" "You'll find yourself praying they last forever. "可她还小" "Even though she's only a child, "糟心事还在后面呢 "And all the hard parts have yet to even come. "16岁时" "And at the age of 16, "她会吸毒过量" "She'll overdose, "昏迷四天" "Spend four days in a coma, "生死未卜" "And you won't know if she'll live or die. "但等她醒来" "But when she wakes up, "她会有机会戒毒" "She'll be given the opportunity to get clean, "改过自新" "To become a different person, "完善自己" "A better person. "但有一点你无能为力" "Here's the toughest part. "不论你怎么说 怎么做 怎么想" "No matter what you say, or do, or wish, "决定权都在她手中" "The decision will be all hers. "你只能心怀希望" "And all you can do is hope "希望她能给自己一个重新来过的机会"

凯特 Kat. 万一现在就是我们人生的高光时刻呢 What if these are, like, the big moments in life? 我妈总说 Like, my mom always talks about 高中是她人生的里程碑式高光时刻 how high school was like this big, monumental part of her life. 可她都半老徐娘了 居然还对高中念念不忘 But I cannot imagine being 40 and looking back at this, like, "Wow." 因为多数人在高中达到了人生巅峰 Yeah, but that's because most people peak in high school. 我肯定还没达到巅峰... I definitely haven't peaked, so... 我感觉自己还没长大呢 I feel like I'm not even a person yet. 我也就攀登到巅峰的四分之一吧 Yeah, I'm definitely at, like, 25 percent peakness. 我好像达到巅峰了 I feel like I'm at a hundred. 但我还能升得更高 But I can definitely get to 150. 讲真 我都没想到自己能撑到现在 Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far. 什么意思 What do you mean? 我总是提心吊胆 惶惶不安 I don't know. I just always had, like, this overwhelming anxiety 我总觉得一定会出事 that something bad would happen. 说实话 去年夏天 In all fairness, last summer, 我有三周一直以为你死了 there were, like, three weeks where I thought you were dead.